Understanding the Connection Between Inflexibility and Friendship Desires

As a parent of a child with PDA (Pathological Demand Avoidance, also known by the more positive lens of Persistent Drive for Autonomy) and autism, I’ve seen firsthand the challenging paradox many of our children face. When your child is inflexible but deeply desires friendship, it creates a unique set of challenges that can leave both you and your child feeling frustrated and confused. The yearning for social connection collides with the need for control and autonomy, creating a situation that requires thoughtful navigation from us as parents.

My daughter has taught me so much about this delicate balance. She desperately wants to connect with other children her age, but when playdates actually happen, her need for things to go exactly as she envisions can derail even the most promising friendship opportunities. Does this sound familiar to you?

You’re not alone. Many parents of children with PDA and autism witness their children struggling with this same contradiction – a genuine desire for friendship paired with difficulty adapting to the give-and-take that friendships require. Today, I want to explore this challenge with you, parent to parent, and share some strategies that have helped our family navigate these tricky waters.

Why Inflexibility and Social Desires Clash

Children with PDA and autism often experience the world differently than their neurotypical peers. Their brains are wired to seek both control and connection, sometimes in ways that seem contradictory.

For many of our children, the drive for autonomy isn’t a choice or a behavior problem – it’s literally how their nervous systems are designed to function. When a child with PDA faces the inherent unpredictability of social interactions, their anxiety can skyrocket, triggering demand avoidance behaviors that might look like inflexibility or controlling behavior to others.

According to Cynthia Martin, PsyD, from the Child Mind Institute, “Any external demand that is coming from somebody else, or that the person perceives is coming from another person, that generates a lot of internal discomfort, which leads to the avoidance.” This internal discomfort can be particularly intense in social situations, where demands are constant and often unspoken.

The social world is full of invisible expectations – taking turns, compromising, reading facial expressions, and adapting to others’ ideas. For our kids with PDA and autism, these unwritten rules can feel overwhelming, triggering their need for control as a way to manage anxiety. It’s not that they don’t want friends – they simply struggle with the unpredictability that friendship brings.

Boredom and Your Child with PDA

Before we dive deeper into social strategies, I want to touch on an important related topic – boredom and your child with PDA. Many of our children struggle intensely with feelings of boredom, but not always for the reasons you might think.

For children with PDA and autism, boredom isn’t just about having nothing to do. It’s often about not having control over what they’re doing. Activities suggested by others, even fun ones, can trigger demand avoidance and feelings of boredom because they didn’t originate from the child themselves.

This is why we often see our children reject group activities that seem enjoyable, only to then complain about having nothing to do. The autonomy matters more than the activity itself. Understanding this connection between boredom, autonomy, and social engagement is crucial as we support our children in building friendships.

When we recognize that what looks like boredom might actually be demand avoidance, we can approach social situations differently. Instead of pushing our children into activities with peers, we can explore ways to give them more control within social contexts.

Strategies for Supporting Social Connections for a Child Who is Inflexible

So, how do we help our children navigate this complex terrain? Here are some approaches that acknowledge both their need for autonomy and their desire for friendship:

1. Prioritize Autonomy Within Social Settings

Children with PDA thrive when they feel in control. Look for friendship opportunities that naturally provide more autonomy. Consider suggesting parallel play activities where children can be together without constant interaction demands. Try to identify friends with similar interests who might enjoy the same structured activities your child does, creating natural connection points.

Creating choice-based playdates where your child can select from multiple options gives them that crucial sense of control while still engaging socially. Many children with PDA also do better with smaller, shorter playdates that feel less overwhelming and allow them to practice social skills in manageable doses.

One parent I know sets up “creation stations” during playdates – different areas with art supplies, building materials, or sensory activities. Children can move between stations as they wish, reducing the pressure of constant interaction while still providing opportunities to connect. This approach honors autonomy while creating gentle opportunities for friendship to develop at a comfortable pace.

2. Teach Flexibility Through Indirect Methods

Direct demands to “be more flexible” rarely work with our PDA children. Instead, try indirect approaches that don’t trigger demand avoidance. Role-play with toys or characters can be incredibly effective, allowing your child to practice compromise scenarios without feeling personally challenged. Sharing stories about flexibility that don’t directly implicate your child creates learning opportunities without the pressure of personal demands.

Modeling flexible thinking in your own behavior while narrating your thought process aloud shows rather than tells. When you encounter a change of plans, talk through your adaptation process: “I was planning to go to the park, but it’s raining. That’s disappointing, but now I can try that new cookie recipe instead!” Creating visual supports that offer choices rather than demands can also help your child practice flexibility within safe parameters.

Remember that flexibility is a skill that develops gradually. Celebrate small victories, like when your child accepts a minor change in plans or tries something new with a friend. These moments build the neural pathways that make flexibility easier over time.

3. Prepare for Social Success

Predictability reduces anxiety, which in turn reduces demand avoidance. For children with PDA and autism, social situations often feel unpredictable and overwhelming. Creating social stories that outline what might happen during a playdate can transform an anxiety-provoking unknown into something manageable. Take time to discuss potential challenges beforehand and brainstorm solutions together, giving your child a sense of preparedness and control.

Establishing a signal your child can use if they need a break provides a crucial safety valve when social pressure builds. This could be a simple hand gesture or code word that communicates “I need space” without requiring a full explanation in the moment. Along with this signal, establish a comfortable “retreat” space where your child can go if overwhelmed – a quiet corner with sensory tools, a favorite book, or calming items that help them regulate.

One mom I know uses what she calls “friendship rehearsal” – a gentle conversation before social events where she and her son imagine different scenarios that might arise and playfully practice responses. This gives him tools to use in the moment without feeling put on the spot. She reports that these rehearsals have gradually built his confidence in navigating social situations that previously caused meltdowns.

4. Select Supportive Social Environments

Not all social settings are created equal for our PDA children. The environment itself can make the difference between a successful social experience and an overwhelming one. Interest-based groups where your child’s knowledge is valued often work well because they provide natural conversation topics and motivation to engage. When your child is recognized for their expertise or special interest, social interaction becomes more rewarding and less threatening.

Smaller gatherings rather than large, chaotic events generally provide a better foundation for successful social interactions. The sensory input is more manageable, and there’s more opportunity for meaningful connection without overwhelming social demands. Look for settings with adult facilitators who understand neurodiversity and can subtly support interaction without forcing it. Also valuable are friendships with children who are naturally more accepting and laid-back, as they’re often more accommodating of differences.

Nature-based activities can be particularly effective, as they often allow for more freedom of movement and less structured interaction. Forest schools, outdoor playgroups, or animal-focused activities can provide social opportunities with built-in flexibility. The natural environment tends to reduce demand pressure while providing shared experiences that can spark connection.

5. Embrace Technology as a Bridge

For many children with PDA and autism, online connections can be less demanding than in-person ones. The digital environment removes many of the unpredictable elements that make face-to-face interaction challenging. Monitored online gaming with friends provides structured interaction within clear rules and expectations. The game itself creates a shared focus that reduces social pressure while still building connection.

Video chats can help practice social skills with less sensory overwhelm than in-person meetings. Your child can control the volume, take breaks as needed, and engage from the comfort of their safe home environment. Interest-based online communities may connect your child with like-minded peers who share their passions, creating motivation for social engagement that outweighs the anxiety it might normally cause.

Digital collaboration on creative projects can build relationships around shared goals, allowing friendship to develop naturally alongside purposeful activity. Whether creating digital art, working on a shared Minecraft world, or developing a story together, these collaborative projects provide structure and purpose to social interaction.

Remember that these online connections are real friendships too, and can sometimes serve as a bridge to in-person relationships. Many children gradually build confidence through online interaction that eventually translates to greater comfort in face-to-face settings.

Reframing Success: What Friendship Looks Like for Our Children

As parents, we sometimes carry our own expectations of what our children’s friendships should look like. But children with PDA and autism may connect differently, and that’s perfectly okay. Successful friendship for our children might look quite different from what we initially imagine or what society typically expects.

Many children with PDA and autism thrive with one close friend rather than many casual ones. The depth of connection matters more than breadth of social circles. They often interact intensely around specific interests rather than engaging in general play, finding genuine connection through shared passions rather than typical playground activities.

Our children frequently need more alone time between social interactions to process and recharge. This doesn’t mean they value friendship less—simply that their social energy works differently. Many also build their most meaningful relationships with children of different ages, often connecting with older or younger children rather than same-age peers.

One mother shared how her son with PDA and autism developed his closest friendship through weekly one-hour meetings in the school library, where he and another boy cataloged their shared Pokémon card collections. This structured, predictable interaction around a mutual interest eventually blossomed into a meaningful connection that has lasted for years. The friendship didn’t develop through typical playground games or sleepovers, but it provides a genuine connection and joy for both children.

Supporting Parents Through the Journey

Parenting a child with PDA and autism comes with unique challenges. As you support your child’s social development:

• Practice self-compassion on difficult days
• Connect with other parents who understand your experience
• Recognize that progress may be slow, but is still meaningful
• Celebrate the unique way your child connects with others

Remember that by understanding and accommodating your child’s needs, you’re teaching them that they are worthy of friendship exactly as they are. This foundation of acceptance is perhaps the greatest gift we can give our children.

Next Steps: Resources for Your Journey

If you’re looking for more support, I hope you’ll explore these resources:

• Check out our website at practicalparentsguide.com for more articles and resources.
• Consider our book “A Practical Parent’s Guide to PDA and Autism,” which offers deeper strategies for supporting your child’s social development.
• For busy parents (and I know that’s all of us!), our audiobook version is available at Audible, allowing you to learn while driving or doing household tasks.

Understanding PDA and autism is an ongoing process, and having research-backed resources at your fingertips can make all the difference. Our book combines practical strategies with real-life examples from families just like yours, providing the guidance you need when facing complex challenges like balancing inflexibility with friendship desires.

Your Turn

I’d love to hear from you in the comments:

• What strategies have you found helpful in supporting your child’s friendships?
• How do you balance respecting your child’s need for autonomy with encouraging social connections?
• What unexpected friendship successes has your child experienced?

Together, we can help our children build meaningful connections while honoring their unique needs.

References

1. Child Mind Institute. (2022). Pathological Demand Avoidance (PDA) in Kids. https://childmind.org/article/pathological-demand-avoidance-in-kids/
2. PDA Society. (2024). Helpful approaches for children. https://www.pdasociety.org.uk/i-am-a-parent-carer/resources/helpful-approaches-for-children/
3. Cross River Therapy. (2025). What Does PDA Look Like in a Child? Signs and Symptoms. https://www.crossrivertherapy.com/autism/what-does-pda-look-like-in-a-child
4. AdditudeMag. (2024). Social Skills for Kids with ADHD: Friendship Strategies That Work. https://www.additudemag.com/social-skills-for-kids-friendships-adhd/
5. Sevita Health. (2024). What is Pathological Demand Avoidance (PDA) in Children? https://blog.sevitahealth.com/pda-in-children