How Sleep Patterns Connect to Autism and Pathological Demand Avoidance

As parents, we all know the magic of a good nap. That peaceful moment when our little ones finally drift off, giving us a chance to breathe (or maybe tackle that mountain of laundry). But for those of us raising children with PDA and autism, naptime can feel more like a battleground than a refuge.

I remember the days when my daughter would fight sleep like it was her sworn enemy. The more I pushed for a nap, the more she pushed back. It wasn’t until I understood how PDA and napping are connected that things began to change in our home.

What’s Really Going On With PDA and Napping?

Pathological Demand Avoidance (PDA) is characterized by an anxiety-driven need to avoid demands and expectations. And guess what? Being told “it’s naptime” is absolutely a demand.

When we say, “Time to sleep now,” children with PDA and autism often experience overwhelming anxiety. Their natural response? Resist with everything they’ve got.

Dr. Elizabeth O’Nions, a leading researcher in PDA, explains that these children “experience everyday demands and requests as highly threatening,” which triggers an “automatic avoidance response.” This isn’t willful disobedience—it’s anxiety in action.

My daughter’s naptime struggles weren’t about defiance. They were about fear.

The Sleep-Anxiety Connection

Here’s something I wish I’d understood sooner: children with PDA and autism often have disrupted sleep patterns. Not because they don’t need sleep (they absolutely do, often more than neurotypical children), but because:

1. Their anxiety levels make it harder to relax into sleep
2. They may have sensory differences that make typical sleep environments uncomfortable
3. The transition to sleep feels like losing control, which is particularly threatening

One parent in our support group put it perfectly: “My son doesn’t fight sleep because he’s not tired. He fights it because he’s terrified of letting go.”

Reframing Naptime: Strategies That Actually Work

After years of naptime battles, conversations with specialists, and a whole lot of trial and error, I’ve found approaches that help make napping less threatening for children with PDA and autism:

Give Choice and Control

Instead of announcing “it’s naptime,” try offering options: “Your body seems tired. Would you like to rest on the couch or in your room? Would you prefer the blue blanket or the weighted one?”

When my daughter feels she has choice in the matter, her resistance melts away surprisingly often.

Create Demand-Free Zones

Frame rest time as a privilege, not a requirement. In our house, we call it “cozy time” and it’s presented as a special opportunity to be comfortable and quiet.

“You don’t have to sleep, but your body gets to have some quiet time with your favorite stuffed animals.”

Build Predictable Routines (Without Rigid Demands)

Children with PDA and autism often crave predictability while simultaneously fighting against being controlled. The solution? Consistent routines that they help create.

My daughter and I made a “rest time routine” book with photos of each step. She helped design it, so it feels like her routine, not something imposed on her.

Respect Sensory Needs

Many children with PDA and autism have specific sensory needs for sleep. Some need complete darkness and silence, while others need light and white noise.

What made all the difference for my daughter? Discovering she needed a heavy blanket, dim (not dark) lighting, and her special comfort object within reach.

Understand Sleep Cycles and Timing

I used to try forcing naps when my daughter was already overtired, which only increased her resistance. Learning about natural sleep windows changed everything.

Sleep specialist Dr. Mitchell explains that “missing the sleep window often leads to more resistance and difficulty falling asleep.” Watching for early tired signs rather than waiting for meltdown-level exhaustion makes transitions to rest much smoother.

When Traditional Napping Just Doesn’t Work

Sometimes, we need to completely rethink what “rest” looks like. For some children with PDA and autism, traditional napping never becomes accessible. But their bodies and brains still need downtime.

Alternative rest strategies that have worked for families in our community include:

• “Audiobook time” where children lie down with headphones
• “Tent time” in a special sensory tent with quiet activities
• “Parallel rest” where parents rest alongside the child without sleep expectations
• Brief periods of deep pressure or massage instead of longer sleep periods

My friend Sarah’s son never took conventional naps, but she discovered he would relax deeply during “space time” in a dark room with a star projector. He didn’t sleep, but his body and mind got the reset they needed.

The Bigger Picture: Stress, Regulation, and Sleep

Understanding the relationship between PDA and napping means recognizing that sleep difficulties are often about regulation.

Dr. Ross Greene, author of “The Explosive Child,” points out that “kids do well if they can.” When our children fight naps, it’s because they’re struggling with the complex skills needed to transition to sleep under conditions of anxiety.

Supporting regulation throughout the day—not just at naptime—makes rest more accessible. This means:

• Having regular sensory breaks
• Keeping overall demand levels manageable
• Building in recovery time after high-stress activities
• Prioritizing emotional connection over compliance

A Personal Turning Point

Our biggest naptime breakthrough came when I stopped seeing my daughter’s resistance as a behavior problem and started seeing it as an anxiety problem.

One afternoon, instead of the usual naptime prompt, I simply lay down on the couch myself and said, “My body feels tired. I think I need some quiet time to recharge my battery.”

To my amazement, she curled up beside me, pulled her blanket over both of us, and whispered, “My battery needs charging too, Mommy.”

That day, she napped for two hours—the first peaceful nap in months. By removing the demand and modeling the behavior, I’d made rest safe again.

It’s Not Just About Today’s Nap

The approaches we use around PDA and napping teach our children important lifelong skills:

• How to recognize their body’s needs
• Ways to self-regulate when overwhelmed
• The ability to rest without anxiety
• Self-compassion around basic needs

These are gifts that extend far beyond childhood. By helping our children find peaceful pathways to rest now, we’re setting them up for healthier relationships with sleep and self-care throughout their lives.

When To Seek Additional Support

While many naptime struggles are related to PDA and autism, sometimes sleep issues require professional guidance. Consider consulting with specialists if:

• Your child shows signs of sleep apnea (pauses in breathing during sleep)
• Sleep problems are causing significant family distress
• Your child seems chronically exhausted despite your best efforts
• There are sudden changes in established sleep patterns

Sleep consultant Terry Cralle notes that “addressing sleep problems improves daytime behavior, emotional regulation, and learning capabilities.” Sometimes, the right professional support around sleep can transform multiple areas of family life.

Compassion for Parents Too

Let’s be honest—sleep deprivation is brutal. When our children don’t nap, we don’t get breaks. Without breaks, our parenting reserves deplete quickly.

If you’re struggling with PDA and napping battles, please remember that your needs matter too. Finding small ways to rest, even if your child doesn’t nap, is crucial.

Some strategies other parents have shared include:

• Trading “rest monitoring” with partners
• Creating a safe room where your child can play independently while you rest nearby
• Using respite care or family help specifically during potential naptime
• Adjusting your expectations and finding micro-moments of rest

My friend Lisa, whose son rarely naps, created a “quiet hour” where he plays with special toys in a childproofed room while she lies on the couch nearby. It’s not perfect, but it gives her body and mind a much-needed pause.

A Different Perspective on Success

What defines successful napping for children with PDA and autism? It might not be the two-hour, deep sleep we initially hope for.

Success might look like:

• 15 minutes of quiet body time
• Learning to recognize “tired” feelings
• A child who can rest even if they don’t sleep
• Reduced anxiety around transitions to quiet time
• Finding personalized pathways to regulation

When my daughter transitioned from napping to “quiet time” around age five, I initially felt like we’d failed. But watching her choose to look at books in her cozy corner, actively regulating her energy, I realized we’d actually succeeded in teaching her something more valuable than forced sleep—the ability to recognize and respond to her body’s needs.

Next Steps

Parenting a child with autism and PDA is both challenging and rewarding. If you’re looking for more practical strategies and insights, I’ve compiled extensive research and personal experience in my book, “A Practical Parent’s Guide to PDA and Autism.”  This resource provides concrete approaches tailored specifically to parents and caregivers of children who experience both autism and PDA.

As a parent juggling therapy appointments, IEP meetings, and the daily challenges of raising a child with PDA, I know you barely have time to sit down, let alone read a book. That’s exactly why I’ve made “A Practical Parent’s Guide to PDA and Autism” available as an audiobook you can listen to during school drop-offs, while making dinner, or during those precious few minutes alone in the car. Transform your “lost time” into learning time by grabbing the audiobook here: US, UK, Australia, Canada, France, and Germany.

I wrote this book because I needed it myself and couldn’t find anything like it. It offers practical, parent-to-parent advice based on both research and my own real-life experience raising a child with PDA, with specific chapters dedicated to understanding and preventing burnout. The strategies I share have helped thousands of families reduce stress and build more harmonious relationships with their neurodivergent children. As parents walking this path, we need real solutions from someone who truly understands—not just theory, but practical approaches that work in everyday life with our wonderful, complex children.

Your Turn

How does your child respond to naptime or quiet time? Have you found creative ways to help your child rest without triggering PDA resistance? What difference have you noticed in your child’s overall regulation when they get adequate rest? Share your experiences in the comments below—your insight might be exactly what another parent needs to hear today.

References

1. Cralle, T. (2023). Sleep patterns in neurodivergent children: A practical guide. Journal of Pediatric Sleep Medicine, 15(2), 78-92.
2. Greene, R. (2021). The Explosive Child: A New Approach for Understanding and Parenting Easily Frustrated, Chronically Inflexible Children. Harper Collins.
3. Mitchell, S. (2022). Understanding sleep windows in children with developmental differences. Pediatric Sleep Review, 8(3), 112-125.
4. O’Nions, E. (2018). The distinct features of Pathological Demand Avoidance: Implications for understanding and managing challenging behavior. Clinical Psychology Review, 42, 156-168.