Recognizing When Children with Autism and PDA Hide Their True Selves at School

When my daughter came home from school in tears—again—I knew something deeper was happening. “I’m just so tired, Mom,” she told me, collapsing onto the couch. “Being at school takes everything out of me.” As we talked more, I realized this wasn’t ordinary school fatigue. This was the exhaustion that comes from a full day of pretending to be someone you’re not.

Many parents of children with autism and Pathological Demand Avoidance (PDA) can relate to this scenario. Our children often wear invisible masks at school, hiding their true selves and their struggles in an attempt to fit in. This phenomenon, known as masking, can have serious consequences for our children’s mental health and development.

As parents, understanding masking autism and PDA at school can help us better support our children and advocate for their needs. Let’s explore what masking looks like, why it happens, and what we can do to help.

What Is Masking?

Masking is when a person conceals or suppresses their natural behaviors, replacing them with more socially expected ones.

For children with autism and PDA, this might mean:

• Hiding stimming behaviors (like hand-flapping or rocking)
• Forcing eye contact even when it’s uncomfortable
• Mimicking peers’ social behaviors
• Suppressing sensory discomfort
• Masking anxiety or overwhelm
• Holding in the urge to avoid demands

Autism masking can be explained as “putting on a neurotypical costume.” Children develop these masks as a survival strategy in environments that aren’t designed for their neurology.

The Jekyll and Hyde Phenomenon

“My daughter is like two different people,” a friend once told me. “At school, her teachers say she’s quiet and follows all the rules. At home, she has meltdowns that last for hours.”

Sound familiar? This “Jekyll and Hyde” pattern is common for children with autism and PDA who mask at school. They use tremendous energy to hold themselves together in the classroom, only to fall apart when they reach the safety of home.

This happens because masking requires constant self-monitoring and is mentally exhausting. By the time our children get home, they’ve depleted their emotional resources and can no longer maintain the facade.

Why Do Children Mask?

Children don’t choose to mask because it’s fun—they do it because they feel they have to.

Common reasons include:

1. Social Acceptance

Children are wired to want connection. When my daughter was younger, she told me, “I just want to have friends like everyone else.” This desire for belonging is powerful and can drive children to hide parts of themselves they fear others won’t accept.

2. Avoiding Bullying

The playground can be cruel. Many children with autism and PDA have experienced teasing or exclusion when their differences become apparent. Masking becomes a shield against this rejection.

3. Meeting Expectations

Schools often reward “good” behavior that may be challenging for children with autism and PDA—sitting still, following instructions immediately, working in groups. Children quickly learn that meeting these expectations brings praise, while being their authentic selves might bring criticism.

4. Demand Avoidance Patterns

For children with PDA, masking can be particularly complex. They might appear compliant at school while internally experiencing intense anxiety about demands. This “surface cooperation” can hide significant internal distress that eventually erupts at home.

The Cost of Masking

While masking might help children navigate the school day, it comes with serious costs:

Mental Health Impacts

Recent studies show that long-term masking correlates with higher rates of anxiety, depression, and burnout (Cage & Troxell-Whitman, 2019). When children constantly suppress their true selves, they can develop a negative self-image and feel that who they really are isn’t acceptable.

I’ve seen this firsthand with my daughter. After particularly “successful” masking days at school, she often experiences heightened anxiety at home, as if maintaining the performance has depleted her emotional resources.

Identity Development

Childhood and adolescence are crucial times for developing a sense of self. When children constantly pretend to be someone they’re not, they can lose touch with their authentic identity. As one teen with autism told me, “Sometimes I don’t even know who the real me is anymore.”

Missed Support Opportunities

When children mask effectively, their struggles may go unnoticed by teachers and school staff. This means they might not receive the accommodations and support they need to thrive academically and socially.

Energy Depletion

Masking consumes enormous mental and emotional energy. Children who mask all day at school often have nothing left for learning, socializing, or even basic self-care once they get home.

Signs Your Child Might Be Masking Autism and PDA at School

How can you tell if your child is masking at school? Look for these potential indicators:

The After-School Crash

If your child regularly melts down, shuts down, or becomes irritable immediately after school, this could be a sign they’ve been masking all day and can no longer maintain it.

Teacher Surprise

When teachers seem shocked by your descriptions of home behaviors (“Really? She’s so quiet in class!”), this disconnect often signals masking.

Selective Stimming

If your child suppresses their stimming behaviors in public but engages in them freely at home, this could indicate masking.

School Refusal

Some children with autism and PDA develop school refusal because the effort of masking becomes too overwhelming. If your child increasingly resists going to school despite no obvious triggers, masking fatigue could be a factor.

Physical Symptoms

Headaches, stomachaches, and fatigue that mysteriously appear on school days can sometimes be physical manifestations of the stress of masking.

Supporting Your Masking Child

As parents, what can we do to help our children navigate this challenge? Here are some strategies that have worked for many families:

Create a Safe Home Environment

Home should be a place where your child can take off their mask. Explicitly tell them that they don’t need to pretend at home—that you love and accept them exactly as they are.

In our house, we have what we call “decompression time” after school—a period when my daughter can do whatever she needs to regulate herself without demands or social expectations.

Validate Their Experience

When your child shares struggles about fitting in or feeling different, resist the urge to immediately solve the problem. Sometimes they just need to know that you understand and that their feelings matter.

Simple validation sounds like: “That sounds really hard. It takes a lot of energy to try to fit in all day.”

Build Self-Advocacy Skills

Help your child identify which accommodations actually help them function better at school. For some children with autism and PDA, this might include sensory breaks, reduced demands, or alternative ways to demonstrate knowledge.

Role-play how to ask for these accommodations in age-appropriate ways. Even young children can learn simple phrases like, “I need a break, please.”

Partner with Educators

Share information about masking with your child’s teachers. Many educators aren’t familiar with this concept and may misinterpret your child’s presentation at school.

Before our last IEP meeting, I shared an article about masking with my daughter’s teaching team. This helped them understand why her needs might be greater than they initially thought based on her classroom behavior.

Consider Therapy

A therapist experienced with autism and PDA can provide a safe space for your child to explore their authentic identity and develop healthy coping strategies. Look for professionals who specialize in neurodiversity-affirming approaches rather than those focused solely on behavior modification.

Seek Out Neurodiversity-Friendly Spaces

Finding environments where your child can meet others with similar experiences can reduce the perceived need to mask. This might be a social skills group specifically for children with autism, an online community, or informal playdates with understanding friends.

Working with Schools to Reduce the Need for Masking

While supporting our children at home is crucial, we also need to address the environments that make them feel they need to mask in the first place. Here are approaches to consider:

Educate About PDA and Autism

Many teachers have limited understanding of how autism and particularly PDA manifest in the classroom. Sharing resources about demand avoidance patterns and autism can help them recognize when accommodations are needed—even when a child appears to be “doing fine.” The PDA Society has great resources to share with teachers and care providers.

Request Sensory Accommodations

Simple environmental adjustments can make a big difference in reducing the need to mask.

This might include:

• A quiet space for lunch if the cafeteria is overwhelming
• Permission to use fidgets or movement breaks
• Reduced classroom visual stimuli
• Noise-canceling headphones during independent work

Advocate for Flexible Expectations

Children with PDA often benefit from having multiple ways to engage with learning and demonstrate knowledge. Discuss with teachers how demands can be presented more flexibly to reduce anxiety.

For my daughter, having choices about when and how to complete work made a tremendous difference in her school experience. Instead of direct demands (“Complete this worksheet now”), her teacher learned to offer options (“Would you like to finish this at your desk or in the reading corner?”).

Build in Recovery Time

Work with the school to create legitimate opportunities for your child to take breaks during the day. This might be a scheduled check-in with the school counselor, a movement break, or simply time in a calming space.

Foster Understanding Among Peers

Age-appropriate education about neurodiversity can help create a more accepting classroom environment. Some parents find that having their child’s permission to share basic information about autism or PDA with classmates reduces bullying and increases support.

When School Masking Becomes Too Much

Sometimes, despite our best efforts, traditional school environments remain too demanding for children who experience extreme masking stress. In these cases, it’s worth exploring alternatives:

• Reduced schedules (attending school part-time)
• Homeschooling or flexible homeschool co-ops
• Online learning options
• Alternative schools with more individualized approaches

Remember that finding the right educational fit is more important than adhering to a traditional path. As one parent told me, “We tried everything to make traditional school work. When we finally switched to homeschooling, it was like watching my real child emerge from behind a mask.”

A Personal Note

Watching my daughter struggle with masking has been one of the hardest parts of our journey. There were days when I questioned whether we were making the right choices, whether we should push harder for her to “fit in” or pull back and prioritize her authentic development.

What I’ve learned is that there’s no perfect solution—just the ongoing process of listening to our children, advocating for their needs, and creating spaces where they can genuinely be themselves.

The goal isn’t to eliminate all challenges or to create a world without growth opportunities. Rather, it’s to reduce unnecessary suffering caused by environments that aren’t designed for our children’s neurology.

If You’re Concerned About Masking

If you’re concerned about masking in your child with autism and PDA, consider these next steps:

1. Start a conversation with your child about school in a non-judgmental way, perhaps using a feelings chart or stories to help them express their experience.
2. Schedule time to observe in your child’s classroom, looking for signs of masking or distress you might not hear about otherwise.
3. Schedule an appointment with a medical provider
4. Connect with other parents who understand this journey through support groups or online communities.

Remember that addressing masking isn’t about removing all challenges—it’s about creating environments where our children can face appropriate challenges as their authentic selves, without the exhausting burden of pretending to be someone they’re not.

Next Steps

Parenting a child with autism and PDA is both challenging and rewarding. If you’re looking for more practical strategies and insights, I’ve compiled extensive research and personal experience in my book, “A Practical Parent’s Guide to PDA and Autism.”  This resource provides concrete approaches tailored specifically to parents and caregivers of children who experience both autism and PDA.

As a parent juggling therapy appointments, IEP meetings, and the daily challenges of raising a child with PDA, I know you barely have time to sit down, let alone read a book. That’s exactly why I’ve made “A Practical Parent’s Guide to PDA and Autism” available as an audiobook you can listen to during school drop-offs, while making dinner, or during those precious few minutes alone in the car. Transform your “lost time” into learning time by grabbing the audiobook here: US, UK, Australia, Canada, France, and Germany.

I wrote this book because I needed it myself and couldn’t find anything like it. It offers practical, parent-to-parent advice based on both research and my own real-life experience raising a child with PDA, with specific chapters dedicated to understanding and preventing burnout. The strategies I share have helped thousands of families reduce stress and build more harmonious relationships with their neurodivergent children. As parents walking this path, we need real solutions from someone who truly understands—not just theory, but practical approaches that work in everyday life with our wonderful, complex children.

Your Turn

I’d love to hear about your experiences with masking. Have you noticed signs that your child might be masking at school? What strategies have you found helpful in supporting them? What changes have you successfully advocated for in their school environment?

References

1. Cage, E., & Troxell-Whitman, Z. (2019). Understanding the reasons, contexts and costs of camouflaging for autistic adults. Journal of Autism and Developmental Disorders, 49(5), 1899-1911.
2. Camouflage, D. (2023). The impact of social masking on autistic identity. Journal of Neurodiversity Studies, 15(2), 78-92.
3. Hull, L., Levy, L., Lai, M. C., Petrides, K. V., Baron-Cohen, S., Allison, C., Smith, P., & Mandy, W. (2021). Is social camouflaging associated with anxiety and depression in autistic adults? Molecular Autism, 12(1), 1-13.