Why Your Child with PDA and Autism Needs You Close

Finding Balance Through Co-Regulation: Supporting Your Child’s Emotional Journey

“You’re spoiling her.” “He just needs firmer boundaries.” “She’ll never learn if you keep babying her.”

If you’re a parent of a child with PDA and autism, especially a “Velcro child” who seems permanently attached to you, you’ve probably heard comments like these. I know I have. The questioning looks from family members when my daughter clings to me at gatherings. The unsolicited advice from strangers when she melts down in public. The well-meaning but misguided suggestions from friends who don’t understand why my daughter needs to be touching me almost constantly throughout the day.

What many people don’t understand is that what looks like “enabling” is actually co-regulation – a crucial developmental support that children with PDA and autism genuinely need to function in a world that constantly overwhelms them.

Understanding the “Velcro Child” Experience

Let me paint you a picture of our daily life. There are days when my daughter seems physically attached to me—like we share skin. From the moment she wakes up until bedtime (and sometimes during the night too!), she needs to be touching me, seeing me, or at least knowing exactly where I am at all times.

Going to the bathroom alone? A luxury I barely remember! Making dinner with a child wrapped around my leg like a koala? Just another Tuesday. Trying to attend a work Zoom call with a child who needs to sit on my lap, despite having engaging activities set up nearby? Totally normal in our house.

At first, I worried. Was I creating this dependency? Was I failing to teach her independence? Was I – as some family members subtly (or not so subtly) suggested – “enabling” problematic behavior?

What I’ve learned through research, professional guidance, and hard-won experience is that this intense need for connection isn’t a sign of spoiling or poor parenting. It’s a neurological need tied to how children with PDA and autism process the world around them.

Why Co-Regulation Matters

Co-regulation is the beautiful dance of emotional support between parent and child. It’s how we help our children manage big feelings when they can’t do it alone.

Our children’s nervous systems are wired differently. What might feel like a minor challenge to a neurotypical child – like putting on shoes or transitioning between activities – can trigger genuine fight-flight-freeze responses in children with PDA and autism. Their brain is literally signaling danger.

When my daughter clings to me, she’s not being manipulative or trying to control me. Her body is seeking safety in the most primal way it knows how. I am her safe harbor in a world that often feels chaotic and overwhelming to her sensory system.

For my Velcro child, co-regulation is especially crucial. When she’s stuck to me like glue, it’s usually because her nervous system is seeking safety. I’ve learned that fighting against her need for closeness only increases her anxiety, making her cling harder and longer. Instead, I’ve found ways to meet that need while gradually helping her build independence.

The Science: What’s Really Happening

When we co-regulate with our children, we’re not spoiling them – we’re literally helping their brains develop. Our calm presence helps their overwhelmed nervous systems find balance. Think of it like lending them your emotional stability until they can create their own.

When I stay physically close to my daughter during challenging times, her breathing often synchronizes with mine. Her tense body gradually relaxes. The storm passes more quickly than if I had pushed her away or demanded she “pull herself together.”

This isn’t coddling – it’s science. Children with PDA and autism often have heightened stress responses. Through co-regulation, we’re helping them develop the neural pathways they need for emotional regulation. We’re not enabling dependency; we’re building the foundation for future independence.

Answering the Critics: No, You’re Not Enabling

Perhaps the hardest part of parenting a Velcro child with PDA and autism isn’t the constant physical contact – it’s dealing with the judgments, well-intentioned advice, and criticism from others who don’t understand.

Here are some responses I’ve developed for those uncomfortable moments:

When someone says you’re spoiling him, remember that what looks like spoiling is really co-regulation. His nervous system gets overwhelmed easily, and your presence helps him feel safe enough to function. It’s like emotional training wheels – the more secure he feels now, the more independent he’ll become later.

If you hear that she’ll never learn to be independent if you keep coddling her, explain that independence isn’t something we can force. It develops when children feel secure enough to take risks. Right now, she needs extra support to feel that security. Every time you help her regulate her emotions, you’re teaching her how to do it herself someday.

When someone points out that their kids never needed that much attention, gently share that every child’s brain develops differently. Children with PDA and autism process sensory information differently than neurotypical children. What might seem like a gentle sound to others might feel like a physical assault to her. Your constant presence isn’t a choice – it’s a necessary support that helps her function.

And for those who insist you need to set firmer boundaries, acknowledge that you absolutely have boundaries, but they look different for children with PDA and autism. Traditional boundary-setting often triggers anxiety that makes learning impossible. Your approach actually helps her understand and eventually respect boundaries in a way that works with her brain, not against it.

Sometimes I simply say, “I know it might look strange from the outside, but this approach is what’s recommended by specialists who understand her neurological differences. It’s what works for our family.”

Practical Co-Regulation Strategies for Velcro Children

Here are some approaches that have made the biggest difference for my family:

When my daughter is in Velcro mode, but I need to cook dinner, we create a “touching compromise” to meet both our needs. I might ask if she’d like to have her hand in my back pocket or hold onto my shirt while I cook. Sometimes, I offer a piece of my clothing to hold if she can sit nearby, or we set up a special “command center” stool right next to me where she can feel like my important assistant.

For brief separations, transitional objects can be incredibly helpful. A scarf with my perfume on it, a special stone she can keep in her pocket that’s “charged” with my love, or a photo she can look at when I need to step away – these small tokens provide a sense of connection even when we can’t be physically touching.

My daughter and I have also established touch-based signals that help enormously in public. We have a special three-squeeze hand signal that means “I love you.” When she’s feeling anxious but we’re in a situation where clinging isn’t possible, that quick hand squeeze gives her reassurance without drawing attention.

Creating co-regulation rituals has transformed our most challenging parts of the day. We do morning “filling up” hugs where I pretend to fill her with calm for the day ahead. We always have after-school reconnection time (even just 10 minutes) before jumping into activities, which significantly reduces evening meltdowns. We’ve practiced special breathing patterns we do together during tough moments that help both of us reset.

Perhaps most importantly, I’ve learned to validate her need for connection rather than dismiss it. Instead of saying, “You’re fine, stop clinging,” I try to acknowledge what her body is telling her: “I see you need to be close right now. That’s okay.” Or “Your body is telling you that you need a connection boost. Let’s find a way to make that work.” Sometimes, I simply say, “I love that you know what you need to feel safe.” This validation itself often reduces the intensity of her need to cling.

A Morning in the Life: Co-Regulation with a Velcro Child

Let me walk you through what co-regulation might look like on a challenging morning:

7:30 AM: My daughter wakes up and immediately wraps herself around me like an octopus. Instead of pulling away, I give her a few minutes of full attention and connection. “Good morning, love. I’m so happy to see you. Let’s take three deep breaths together before we start our day.”

7:45 AM: As we need to start moving, I offer a choice: “Would you like to hold my pinky finger or wear my fuzzy sweater while we pick out clothes?” She chooses the sweater, which smells like me and provides sensory comfort.

8:00 AM: Breakfast resistance begins. I sit next to her, our shoulders touching. “I notice your body isn’t feeling hungry yet. That’s okay. I’ll sit right here with you while you decide what your body needs.”

8:20 AM: Putting shoes on triggers anxiety. I sit on the floor with her and validate: “Transitions can feel tricky. Your body is telling you it’s not ready yet. I’m right here breathing with you until those big feelings get smaller.”

8:30 AM: The meltdown passes. “You worked through those big feelings! I noticed how you took deep breaths, just like we practiced. Should your shoes go on with counting to 10 or with a silly song?” She chooses counting.

8:45 AM: We make it to the car, a little late but without trauma. “We figured that out together. I’m so proud of how you told me what you needed today.”

The Truth About “Enabling” vs. Supporting

I’ve learned that children do well when they can. When our kids with PDA and autism seem difficult or demanding, they’re actually showing us they lack the skills to handle certain situations. Our job isn’t to force compliance—it’s to bridge those gaps.

There’s a profound difference between harmful enabling (letting children avoid necessary growth) and supportive co-regulation (giving them the tools to eventually grow).

Harmful enabling typically removes all challenges without teaching skills. It comes from parent anxiety rather than responding to genuine child needs. It prevents natural consequences that could actually be managed and tends to remain static over time without leading to growth.

Supportive co-regulation, on the other hand, provides scaffolding to navigate challenges while responding to genuine neurological needs. It creates a foundation for learning and gradually changes as the child develops skills. When we respond to our Velcro children’s needs for closeness and co-regulation, we’re not creating dependency. We’re meeting them where they are developmentally, which is the only place effective teaching and growth can happen.

Small Steps Toward Independence

Remember that progress might look different than you expect. Success might not be dramatic declarations of independence but rather subtle shifts: being able to stay with a trusted caregiver for 30 minutes while you run an errand, moving from constant physical contact to being okay in the same room, using a calming strategy you’ve practiced together during a minor upset, or referring to a visual schedule with less physical prompting.

As my daughter’s occupational therapist wisely said, “Celebrate the journey, not just the destination.”

When my daughter first managed to fall asleep in her own bed (with me sitting nearby instead of lying next to her), it felt like winning an Olympic medal. These small steps toward independence are massive achievements for our Velcro children.

Finding Support Along the Way

This parenting path can feel lonely sometimes. Finding your people makes all the difference. Consider connecting with other parents who understand through local support groups or online communities specifically for parents of children with PDA and autism. Work with professionals who respect your child’s unique needs and don’t just push for behavioral compliance. Share this article with family members who might not “get it” yet but are open to learning.

And above all, be gentle with yourself on hard days. Yes, sometimes I hide in the pantry for two minutes just to breathe without someone touching me. No parent is perfect, and acknowledging our own needs matters too. Self-care isn’t selfish – it’s what makes sustainable co-regulation possible.

Next Steps

Parenting a child with autism and PDA is both challenging and rewarding. If you’re looking for more practical strategies and insights, I’ve compiled extensive research and personal experience in my book, “A Practical Parent’s Guide to PDA and Autism.”  This resource provides concrete approaches tailored specifically to parents and caregivers of children who experience both autism and PDA.

As a parent juggling therapy appointments, IEP meetings, and the daily challenges of raising a child with PDA, I know you barely have time to sit down, let alone read a book. That’s exactly why I’ve made “A Practical Parent’s Guide to PDA and Autism” available as an audiobook you can listen to during school drop-offs, while making dinner, or during those precious few minutes alone in the car. Transform your “lost time” into learning time by grabbing the audiobook here: US, UK, Australia, Canada, France, and Germany.

I wrote this book because I needed it myself and couldn’t find anything like it. It offers practical, parent-to-parent advice based on both research and my own real-life experience raising a child with PDA, with specific chapters dedicated to understanding and preventing burnout. The strategies I share have helped thousands of families reduce stress and build more harmonious relationships with their neurodivergent children. As parents walking this path, we need real solutions from someone who truly understands—not just theory, but practical approaches that work in everyday life with our wonderful, complex children.

Your Turn

I’d love to hear from you in the comments. Do you have a “Velcro child” too? What strategies help both of you get through those extra clingy days? What do you say to people who suggest you’re “enabling” your child? How has co-regulation changed your relationship with your child with PDA and autism?

Remember, you’re not alone on this journey. Even on days when your child is attached to you like a second skin, other parents are out there experiencing the same thing. Together, we can support our children with PDA and autism in ways that respect their neurological differences—one co-regulated moment at a time.

References

1. Delahooke, M. (2019). Beyond Behaviors: Using Brain Science and Compassion to Understand and Solve Children’s Behavioral Challenges. PESI Publishing.
2. Greene, R. (2021). The Explosive Child: A New Approach for Understanding and Parenting Easily Frustrated, Chronically Inflexible Children. Harper.
3. Kennedy, B. (2023). Good Inside: A Guide to Becoming the Parent You Want to Be. Harper Wave.
4. PDA Society. (2023). Understanding Pathological Demand Avoidance. Retrieved from https://www.pdasociety.org.uk/
5. Porges, S. (2022). The Polyvagal Theory: Neurophysiological Foundations of Emotions, Attachment, Communication, and Self-Regulation. W.W. Norton & Company.
6. Shanker, S. (2022). Self-Reg: How to Help Your Child (and You) Break the Stress Cycle and Successfully Engage with Life. Penguin Life.