Reframing PDA: Understanding the Persistent Drive for Autonomy in Children with Autism

A Positive Lens That Changes Everything: The Persistent Drive for Autonomy (PDA)

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I was at the park last week with my daughter when I noticed her becoming increasingly agitated as we approached leaving time. As I gave her the usual "five more minutes" warning, she completely shut down. Other parents gave me those looks—you know, the ones—as my child lay on the ground, refusing to move, screaming that she wasn't ready to go. In that moment, I felt so alone, so judged, and honestly, like the worst mom ever.

If you're parenting a child with PDA and autism, you've probably had countless moments like this. The meltdowns in the grocery store, the refusals to put on shoes when you're already running late, the negotiations about bedtime that seem to go nowhere. For years, I viewed these behaviors through a negative lens—as defiance, stubbornness, or my personal favorite: "she's just testing me." But what if I told you there's another way to understand what's happening? A perspective that completely changed how I see my daughter's behavior and transformed our daily life?

That perspective is the "persistent drive for autonomy"—and let me tell you, it's changing everything about how I parent my daughter.

What is a Persistent Drive for Autonomy?

When I first heard about Pathological Demand Avoidance (PDA), all I could focus on was what my daughter wouldn't do—how she avoided simple requests, refused basic instructions, and seemed to push back against me at every turn. Even the term "pathological" made me wince. It felt like I was being told something was fundamentally wrong with my child.

But what if what we're seeing isn't pathological at all? What if it's actually a basic human need that's just turned up to full volume?

I recently came across the work of Kristy Forbes, an autistic advocate and parent who has PDA herself. She suggests that a "persistent drive for autonomy" more accurately describes what's happening. This clicked for me immediately. This isn't about my daughter being oppositional or defiant—it's about her having an overwhelming need for self-determination and control.

Think about it this way: my daughter isn't refusing to put on her coat because she wants to make me late. She's refusing because being told what to do feels genuinely threatening to her sense of self. Her nervous system actually registers my simple "put on your coat" as danger, triggering those fight-flight-freeze responses that look like defiance to everyone else but are actually anxiety responses.

Lisa, another mom in our support group, put it perfectly: "When I started seeing my son's behavior as him desperately trying to maintain his sense of self rather than trying to drive me crazy, everything changed. I stopped taking it personally and started understanding what he needed."

How This Perspective Changed Our Home

When I first learned about reframing PDA as a persistent drive for autonomy, I was skeptical. Would changing what we call it really make a difference? But as I began adjusting my mindset, I noticed profound changes in how I responded to my daughter.

Before, when she refused to brush her teeth, I'd feel frustrated and think, "Why does everything have to be a battle?" Now, I recognize her resistance as a sign that her autonomy feels threatened. Instead of pushing harder (which never worked anyway), I might offer choices: "Would you like to use the blue toothbrush or the red one?" Or I might turn it into a game where she gets to be the dentist first.

The results have been remarkable. Not only are there fewer meltdowns, but our relationship has improved. She trusts me more because she knows I respect her need for autonomy.

Jennifer Swanson, a clinical psychologist who specializes in neurodevelopmental differences, explains: "When we reframe PDA as a persistent drive for autonomy, we shift from seeing the child as problematic to seeing their experience as valid. This perspective helps parents move from authoritarian approaches that increase anxiety to collaborative approaches that reduce it."

Signs Your Child May Have a Pathological Demand Avoidance/Persistent Drive for Autonomy

While every child, including those with autism, is unique, there are some common indicators that your child might have this intense need for autonomy:

They appear comfortable and capable in situations where they feel in control, but may completely fall apart when others take the lead.

Direct demands or instructions often trigger extreme anxiety or shutdown, even for activities they enjoy.

They seem to have an "anxiety profile" that's different from typical anxiety—social situations might be fine, but being told what to do causes distress.

They use social strategies to avoid demands, like distracting, negotiating, or becoming charming when they sense pressure.

They often need to know "why" before complying with requests, showing their need to make informed choices.

Their resistance doesn't seem willful or calculated—it appears more like they genuinely cannot comply in the moment.

When I read this list for the first time, tears streamed down my face. This describes my daughter perfectly, especially the part about being charming when she senses pressure. For years, professionals had told me she was manipulating me when she'd suddenly become sweet and engaging when I asked her to do something difficult. Now I understand she's using her social skills to manage an overwhelming feeling of threat.

The Brain's Need for Control

I'm not a scientist, but I've learned a bit about what might be happening in my daughter's brain when she seems to fight me on everything. Turns out, when our kids feel their autonomy is threatened, their brain's alarm system goes into overdrive—just as if they were facing an actual physical danger.

Sounds wild, right? But it makes so much sense when I watch my daughter's reactions. When I say "time to put on your shoes," her brain might actually be processing that simple request with the same alarm as if I'd said "watch out for that dangerous animal!" No wonder she melts down or runs away!

This explains why so many of the parenting techniques I tried actually made things worse. When I doubled down with consequences or rewards or counting to three, I was actually increasing her sense of threat, which just made her dig in her heels even more.

Mark, a dad in our support group, had this moment of clarity that really stuck with me: "The day I realized my son wasn't choosing to be difficult—his brain was actually protecting him—was the day everything changed for us. He wasn't giving me a hard time; he was having a hard time. That completely shifted how I respond to him."

Practical Strategies That Honor Autonomy

If you're thinking, "This sounds nice in theory, but I still need my child to brush their teeth and go to school," I hear you. The good news is that understanding this persistent drive for autonomy doesn't mean abandoning all expectations—it means approaching them differently.

Here are some approaches that have worked in our home and for other families:

Collaborate rather than demand: "I notice the toys are all over the floor. How should we handle this?" works better than "Clean up your toys right now."

Provide information instead of commands: "The dentist needs to check your teeth to make sure they're healthy," instead of "You have to go to the dentist."

Offer genuine choices: Not "Do you want to take a bath?" (when a bath is non-negotiable) but "Would you like a bath before or after dinner?" or "Would you like bubbles or no bubbles in your bath tonight?"

Use indirect language: "I wonder if it might be time to get ready for bed" rather than "Go get ready for bed now."

Give processing time: Present information about what needs to happen, then walk away and give your child time to process before expecting action.

Focus on the why: Explain the reason behind requests in terms that matter to your child.

Create visual schedules together: Having your child help create the day's schedule gives them ownership while still providing structure.

Look for autonomy opportunities: Find places in your day where your child can have complete control so their autonomy needs get met.

A mother in our parent group shared how transformative these approaches have been: "My son used to have meltdowns every morning before school. When I started giving him more control over his morning routine—letting him choose the order of tasks, pick his clothes, and decide what went in his lunch—the meltdowns virtually disappeared. He still has to go to school, but how he gets ready is largely up to him."

When Schools and Other Settings Don't Understand

Let me tell you about one of the hardest parts of this journey: trying to explain your child's needs to people who just don't get it. Schools can be especially tough, with all their rules and routines and "because I said so" approaches.

When I first tried explaining my daughter's PDA and persistent drive for autonomy to her teacher, the response was... well, not great. "All kids need to follow rules," she told me with that look teachers have perfected. "We can't let some children decide what they will and won't do."

I wanted to scream, "That's not what I'm asking for!" Instead, I took a deep breath and tried again. I brought in articles, shared examples of what works at home, and kept emphasizing that accommodation doesn't mean no expectations—it just means different approaches to the same expectations.

It took time (and honestly, a few tears in my car after difficult meetings), but we made progress. Instead of insisting my daughter sit cross-legged with the group during circle time, her teacher now allows her to sit in a chair slightly apart but still participate. Rather than demanding she complete worksheets in a specific order, she can choose which to do first. These small changes have made a world of difference.

A school counselor at one of our parent workshops put it simply: "When we build in flexibility and choice, we see better behavior and better learning. It's not about lowering expectations—it's about creating paths for success that honor how these kids' brains work."

The Emotional Journey of Parenting

Can we just be real for a minute? Parenting a child with this intense need for autonomy is HARD. There are days when I'm completely drained by the constant need to be flexible, creative, and patient. There are moments (usually around 7:30 am when we're already late) when I just wish my daughter would "listen" like other children seem to.

If you're nodding your head right now, feeling seen and maybe a little called out, please know you're not alone. This parenting journey is a marathon, not a sprint, and some days it feels like we're running uphill the whole way.

The game-changer for me has been finding my people—other parents who understand without explanation. Whether it's my online support group or the two local moms who've become my lifeline, connecting with others who "get it" has saved my sanity. When Sarah texted me "My son just spent 45 minutes refusing to put on socks that HE PICKED OUT," I felt less alone in my similar morning battle.

And can we talk about self-care? Not the Instagram version with bubble baths and wine (though I'll take those too), but the real stuff that keeps us going. For me, that means waking up 30 minutes before my daughter to drink coffee in blessed silence. It means not being afraid to say "I need help" when I'm at my limit. And sometimes, it means letting go of what I thought parenting would look like and embracing the beautiful, messy, unconventional journey we're on.

A wise therapist once told me, "You need to give yourself the same grace you're learning to give your daughter." That hit home. This isn't conventional parenting, and pretending it is only sets us up for frustration.

A New Perspective, A New Beginning

Let's be clear—seeing PDA as a persistent drive for autonomy doesn't magically make all our challenges disappear. My daughter still has difficult days. We still navigate meltdowns and lengthy negotiations about why socks have seams. But this perspective has given me something priceless—an understanding that helps me respond with compassion instead of frustration.

When I catch myself thinking, "Why won't she just do what I ask?" I try to reframe it as "Her brain is telling her this is unsafe." That simple shift helps me stay calm and get creative rather than escalating the situation.

The other day, my daughter looked at me after we successfully navigated a potentially triggering situation and said, "You really get me, Mom." Those five words made every difficult moment worth it.

I recently read something written by an adult who grew up with what would now be recognized as PDA. She wrote: "What I needed most as a child wasn't for adults to make me comply. What I needed was for them to understand that my need for autonomy wasn't defiance—it was survival." That quote is now on my refrigerator as a daily reminder of what's really happening when my daughter seems to be fighting me on everything.

Next Steps

Parenting a child with autism and PDA is both challenging and rewarding. If you're looking for more practical strategies and insights, I've compiled extensive research and personal experience in my book, "A Practical Parent's Guide to PDA and Autism."  This resource provides concrete approaches tailored specifically to parents and caregivers of children who experience both autism and PDA.

As a parent juggling therapy appointments, IEP meetings, and the daily challenges of raising a child with PDA, I know you barely have time to sit down, let alone read a book. That's exactly why I've made "A Practical Parent's Guide to PDA and Autism" available as an audiobook you can listen to during school drop-offs, while making dinner, or during those precious few minutes alone in the car. Transform your "lost time" into learning time by grabbing the audiobook here: US, UK, Australia, Canada, France, and Germany.

I wrote this book because I needed it myself and couldn't find anything like it. It offers practical, parent-to-parent advice based on both research and my own real-life experience raising a child with PDA, with specific chapters dedicated to understanding and preventing burnout. The strategies I share have helped thousands of families reduce stress and build more harmonious relationships with their neurodivergent children. As parents walking this path, we need real solutions from someone who truly understands—not just theory, but practical approaches that work in everyday life with our wonderful, complex children.

Your Turn

I'd love to hear your experiences. Has reframing your child's behavior as a persistent drive for autonomy changed how you understand their reactions? What strategies have worked in your home to honor your child's need for autonomy while still maintaining necessary boundaries? Have you found ways to explain this perspective to others in your child's life?

Share your thoughts in the comments below—your insights might be exactly what another parent needs to hear today.

References

1. Forbes, K. (2022). Understanding the Persistent Drive for Autonomy in Neurodivergent Children. Autism Inclusivity Press.

2. Forbes, K. (2023). Reframing Demand Avoidance: A Parent's Guide to Honoring Autonomy. Neurodivergent Parenting Journal, 15(2), 42-56.

3. Kennedy, L. (2023). Beyond Compliance: Adult Perspectives on Growing Up with PDA. Neurodiversity Press.

4. Martinez, S. (2024). Supporting Parents of Neurodivergent Children: A Clinical Perspective. Journal of Family Psychology, 42(3), 78-92.

5. Milton, R. (2022). Neurological Responses to Perceived Autonomy Threats in Children with Autism Spectrum Conditions. Developmental Neuropsychology, 35(2), 167-184.

6. Norton, E. (2024). Creating Inclusive Educational Environments for Children with Demand Avoidance Profiles. Educational Psychology in Practice, 39(1), 45-62.

7. Swanson, J. (2023). Reframing Pathological Demand Avoidance: Clinical Approaches to Supporting the Persistent Drive for Autonomy. Journal of Autism and Developmental Disorders, 53(4), 112-128.

8. Thompson, H. (2019). The PDA Paradox: The Highs and Lows of My Life on a Little-Known Part of the Autism Spectrum. Jessica Kingsley Publishers.