Understanding and Supporting Your Autistic and PDA Child Who Is Always Bored

When Anyone Else's Idea Is a Demand: Navigating Life with a Child Who Has Autism and PDA

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"I'm bored." Those words echo through the house at least a dozen times daily. As parents of children with autism and Pathological Demand Avoidance (PDA), also known as Persistent Drive for Autonomy, we hear this phrase so often it might as well be our family motto.

If you're reading this, chances are you're all too familiar with that feeling of frustration and helplessness when your child announces their boredom for the umpteenth time today, especially when you've just suggested several activities that were immediately rejected. You're not alone, and there's a reason for this pattern that goes beyond typical childhood restlessness.

For children with autism and PDA, boredom isn't just about having nothing to do. It's often an expression of something much deeper—a complex interplay of anxiety, sensory challenges, a need for autonomy, and genuine difficulty engaging with activities that aren't intrinsically motivating.

Understanding Why Your autistic and PDA Child is Always Bored

Let's step back for a moment and think about what's really happening when our children say they're bored. For most neurotypical children, boredom happens when there's genuinely nothing stimulating to do. For our kids with autism and PDA, boredom can actually be an expression of:

1. Anxiety: The PDA Society notes that anxiety in children with PDA can manifest in many ways, including expressions of boredom. What looks like disinterest may actually be anxiety about engaging with an activity that feels demanding or overwhelming.

2. Demand Avoidance: For children with PDA, almost any suggestion can feel like a demand—even fun activities. As one parent shared with PDA North America, "My child will avoid things they actually want to do if they perceive it as coming from someone else's idea." This means that your brilliant suggestions for activities might be met with rejection simply because they weren't self-generated.

3. Sensory Overload or Underload: Some children with autism experience the world very intensely. When sensory input becomes too much, they might withdraw and appear bored. Conversely, they might need more sensory input than typical activities provide to feel engaged.

4. Executive Functioning Challenges: Many children with autism and PDA struggle with planning, initiating tasks, and transitioning between activities—all aspects of executive functioning. What looks like boredom might actually be difficulty figuring out how to start or maintain engagement with an activity.

5. Intense Interests: Children with autism often have intense, focused interests. Activities outside these interests may genuinely not capture their attention in the same way.

   
   

My own daughter experiences all of these factors. What I've learned through years of parenting is that when she says "I'm bored," what she often means is "I'm anxious," "I'm overwhelmed," "I'm underwhelmed," "I don't know how to start," or sometimes simply "I need your connection, but not your suggestions."

The Cycle of Boredom and Demand Avoidance

Understanding this connection between boredom and PDA helps explain a pattern many of us observe: our children claim boredom, we offer suggestions, they reject every idea (because anyone else's idea is a demand), and then they feel even more bored and frustrated—leading to potential meltdowns, increased anxiety, or withdrawal.

Dr. Cynthia Martin, clinical director of the Autism Center at the Child Mind Institute, explains that in children with PDA, "resistance is sometimes mistaken for willful defiance." Understanding that their avoidance of even fun activities isn't personal or intentionally difficult, but rather an anxiety-based response, can help us approach the situation differently.

Strategies to Help Your Child When They're "Bored"

So how do we break this cycle? How do we support our children who seem perpetually bored while respecting their need for autonomy? Here are some strategies that have worked for many families, including my own:

1. Rethink your approach to suggestions

Instead of directly suggesting activities when your child says they're bored, try these approaches:

• Provide options indirectly: "I'm thinking about doing some painting later," or "I left some interesting materials on the table."

• Use declarative language: Rather than saying "Why don't you play with your blocks?" try "I see your blocks are out" or "I wonder what could be built with those blocks."

• Wonder aloud: "I wonder what would happen if..." or "I'm curious about..."

• Create an environment of possibility: Set up engaging materials and step away, allowing your child to discover them on their own terms.

  
  

The PDA Society recommends using this type of language, noting that subtle adaptations to how we phrase things can make activities feel less "demandy" and more appealing.

2. Validate the feeling of boredom

Rather than immediately trying to solve the problem of boredom, sometimes our children just need their feelings validated:

• "It can feel really frustrating when nothing seems interesting."

• "Boredom can feel uncomfortable, can't it?"

• "It's hard when you want to do something fun but can't figure out what."

  
  

3. Connect before directing

Often, our children aren't really looking for activity suggestions—they're looking for connection. Try simply sitting with your child, offering your presence without pressure to do anything in particular. Sometimes this alone can help reduce the anxiety that may be presenting as boredom.

4. Create a "boredom menu" together

During a calm moment (not when your child is already bored and frustrated), work with them to create a personalized list of activities they genuinely enjoy. This list becomes their own personal resource—an idea that came from them, not you—that they can turn to when feeling at loose ends.

5. Embrace special interests

For many children with autism, special interests aren't just hobbies—they're passions that bring genuine joy and comfort. Finding ways to expand on these interests can provide engaging activities that don't feel like demands.

For my daughter, this has meant finding creative ways to incorporate her love of a particular cartoon character into various activities—from art to science to outdoor exploration. Because it connects to her special interest, she's much more likely to engage without feeling it's a demand.

6. Build in autonomy

Children with PDA thrive when they feel in control. Look for ways to build choice and autonomy into activities:

• Offer options: "Would you prefer to do this inside or outside?"

• Create flexible frameworks: Set up an activity with minimal structure, allowing your child to direct how it unfolds.

• Step back: Once an activity begins, resist the urge to direct or correct.

  
  

7. Consider the sensory environment

Sometimes boredom is actually sensory discomfort in disguise. Observe whether your child's expressions of boredom tend to occur in particular sensory environments. Would they benefit from:

• More sensory input (movement, tactile experiences)

• Less sensory input (quieter environment, reduced visual stimulation)

• Different sensory input (specific types of music, lighting, textures)

Creating a sensory-friendly environment can help reduce the anxiety that may be presenting as boredom.

8. Use novelty and surprise

The PDA Society notes that novelty can be an effective approach for children with PDA. New or unexpected activities may bypass the demand avoidance response because they capture attention before the brain registers them as potential demands.

Try introducing novel elements to familiar activities or creating surprise "discovery" opportunities that your child can explore on their own terms.

9. Look for underlying unmet needs

When my daughter says she's bored, I've learned to check whether basic needs might be unmet:

• Is she hungry?

• Is she tired?

• Does she need movement?

• Does she need deep pressure or other sensory input?

• Does she need social connection?

Addressing these fundamental needs first can sometimes resolve the apparent boredom.

10. Create a predictable but flexible routine

Many children with autism thrive with routine, but children with PDA may resist routines that feel too rigid or demanding. Finding the balance—a predictable framework with built-in flexibility and choice—can help reduce anxiety and the resulting expressions of boredom.

When Boredom Leads to Challenging Behaviors

Despite our best efforts, there will be times when boredom leads to challenging behaviors. Remember that these behaviors are communications—often expressions of anxiety or overwhelm rather than willful disobedience.

When challenging behaviors emerge:

1. Stay calm: Your regulated state helps your child regulate.

2. Reduce demands: Back off from any requests or suggestions.

3. Offer a safe space: Sometimes children need space to feel their feelings.

4. Look for triggers: Was there a specific demand, sensory input, or change that preceded the behavior?

5. Reconnect afterward: After the storm has passed, focus on rebuilding connection without judgment.

   
   

The Bigger Picture: Building Capacity Over Time

Supporting an autistic and PDA child who is always bored isn't just about finding activities to fill the time—it's about gradually building their capacity for flexibility, emotional regulation, and self-directed engagement.

This is a long-term process that requires patience, consistency, and a willingness to adapt our own expectations and approaches. As Dr. Naomi Fisher, a clinical psychologist with expertise in PDA, suggests: "Focus on building trust and safety. When children feel secure and understood, their capacity for engagement naturally grows."

For my family, this has meant accepting that progress isn't linear. There are days when nothing seems to work, when every suggestion is met with resistance, and "I'm bored" becomes a constant refrain. But there are also magical moments of engagement and joy that remind us what's possible.

A Personal Note

Parenting a child with autism and PDA who is frequently bored has transformed how I view engagement and motivation. I've learned that connection matters more than activity, that autonomy is essential for wellbeing, and that what looks like boredom is often something else entirely.

Most importantly, I've learned that my child isn't trying to be difficult—she's trying to navigate a world that often feels overwhelming and demanding. By shifting my understanding and approach, I've been able to reduce her anxiety and increase her genuine engagement with life.

It's not always easy, but it is always worth it.

Next Steps

If you're struggling to support your child with autism and PDA who frequently experiences boredom, consider these next steps:

1. Learn more about PDA: Understanding the PDA profile can transform how you interpret and respond to your child's behavior. Our book, "A Practical Parent's Guide to PDA and Autism," offers comprehensive insights and strategies specifically for families navigating these challenges. As a parent walking this journey myself, I've included real-world, practical approaches that go beyond clinical advice.

2. Build your support network: Connect with other parents who understand what you're experiencing. The online community at practicalparentsguide.com offers resources and connection opportunities.

3. Take care of yourself: Supporting a child with complex needs requires inner resources. Make sure you're finding moments to recharge and practice self-compassion.

   
   

We recognize that parents are incredibly busy, which is why we've made our book "A Practical Parent's Guide to PDA and Autism" available as an audiobook. You can listen while driving, doing household chores, or during those rare moments of downtime. The audiobook is available on Audible.com, Audible.co.uk, Audible.com.au, Audible.ca, Audible.fr, and Audible.de.

Remember, you're doing the most important and challenging work there is—supporting your unique child as they navigate a world that isn't always built for them. You're not alone in this journey, and there is hope and joy ahead.

Your Turn

I'd love to hear your experiences and insights:

1. What signals have you noticed that indicate your child's expressions of "boredom" might actually be something else?

2. What activities or approaches have you found that engage your child without triggering their demand avoidance?

3. How have you adapted your own expectations and responses to support your child's need for autonomy?

   
   

Share your thoughts in the comments below, and let's learn from each other as we support our extraordinary children.

References

1. Child Mind Institute. (2022). Pathological Demand Avoidance (PDA) in Kids. https://childmind.org/article/pathological-demand-avoidance-in-kids/

2. PDA Society. (2024). Helpful approaches for children. https://www.pdasociety.org.uk/i-am-a-parent-carer/resources/helpful-approaches-for-children/

3. PDA North America. (2023). Our Mission. https://pdanorthamerica.org/

4. Autism Parenting Magazine. (2024). Autism and Boredom: How to Manage It. https://www.autismparentingmagazine.com/autism-and-boredom/

5. National Autistic Society. (2024). Demand avoidance. https://www.autism.org.uk/advice-and-guidance/topics/behaviour/demand-avoidance