When They Say You're Not Parenting Hard Enough: Navigating PDA Misconceptions

What to Do When Professionals Misunderstand Your Child's PDA and Question Your Parenting Approach

*Image Courtesy of freepik.com

The Words That Hurt

"You just need to be firmer with him."

"She's manipulating you because you're too soft."

"If you had more consistent consequences, this behavior wouldn't happen."

"You need to follow through no matter what."

I know exactly how those words feel landing on your already exhausted heart. I've sat across from that perfectly put-together pediatrician, that stern-faced psychologist, that well-meaning but clueless family member – all of them looking at me like I just wasn't trying hard enough with my child. Each comment felt like another brick added to the invisible backpack of parenting shame I was already carrying.

I'm writing to you today not as someone with all the answers, but as another parent who has walked this path, cried these tears, and eventually found my way to a better place. I want to talk about what to do when the world tells you that your child with Pathological Demand Avoidance (PDA) is just manipulating you and that you're not "parenting hard enough." I promise you – you're not failing, and there is hope.

I've Been Where You Are Now

I remember sitting in my car after yet another disastrous appointment, tears streaming down my face, wondering if maybe they were right. Maybe I was too soft. Maybe I did need to "put my foot down" more. Maybe I was the problem. The weight of those doubts crushed me, and for a while, I tried to be the parent everyone told me to be – stricter, more consistent with consequences, more willing to weather the storm of my child's meltdowns to "show them who's boss."

And you know what happened? Things got worse. So much worse. My child's anxiety skyrocketed. Our relationship fractured. The meltdowns became more intense, more dangerous. And in the quiet aftermath, as I held my exhausted, sobbing child, I knew in my heart that something was deeply wrong with the advice I was following.

That's when my real education began – not from the professionals who kept blaming my parenting, but from research, from other parents walking the same path, and most importantly, from my child who was desperately trying to show me what they needed.

Why People Get PDA So Wrong

Here's the thing that took me years to understand: PDA isn't widely recognized in many places, especially the United States. It's not in the diagnostic manuals that most professionals use. So when they see our kids – often verbally fluent, sometimes socially engaged, capable of making eye contact – they don't see what we see. They don't recognize that beneath these seemingly typical behaviors lies an ocean of anxiety so overwhelming that ordinary demands feel genuinely threatening.

Research is catching up (thank goodness). Studies from folks like Dr. Elizabeth O'Nions and her colleagues have shown that PDA involves extreme anxiety triggered by everyday demands and expectations (O'Nions et al., 2018). But many professionals haven't read these studies, and even if they have, they might not connect them to your child sitting in their office.

What looks like defiance or manipulation to an outsider is actually your child's nervous system in full panic mode. When my daughter would make elaborate excuses to avoid brushing her teeth, she wasn't being manipulative – she was desperately trying to manage overwhelming anxiety the only way she knew how. But try explaining that to someone who's convinced that all children just need more discipline!

The Guilt and Isolation Are Real When Navigating PDA Misconceptions

Can we just acknowledge how crushing this feels? When the experts you turn to for help end up making you feel worse? I remember feeling so alone, so misunderstood. I'd look at other parents with their reward charts and their "1-2-3 Magic" and their consistent bedtime routines, and wonder what was wrong with me that I couldn't make those things work for my child.

One night, after a particularly brutal therapy session where the psychologist suggested – again – that I needed to "hold the line" with consequences, I broke down completely. My husband found me sobbing in the bathroom, feeling like the worst mother in the world.

"What if they're right?" I kept asking. "What if I'm just making excuses for bad behavior? What if I am too soft?"

That guilt and self-doubt can eat you alive if you let it. And the worst part? It doesn't help your child one bit. When I was consumed with questioning myself, I wasn't able to be present for my daughter. I wasn't able to see what she actually needed from me. The irony is that by trying to be the "stronger" parent everyone told me to be, I was actually becoming less effective for my unique child.

What's Really Going On With Our PDA Kids

Let me tell you what I wish someone had told me years ago: Your child isn't giving you a hard time – they're having a hard time.

When my daughter couldn't put on her shoes before school – something she'd done perfectly fine the day before – she wasn't trying to manipulate our morning routine. Her nervous system was genuinely overwhelmed by what felt like a direct demand. Research backs this up, showing that children with PDA experience what's called "intolerance of uncertainty" along with extreme anxiety around perceived demands (Stuart et al., 2020).

I started to notice the signs: the way her eyes would dart around the room looking for escape, the slight tremor in her hands, the shift in her breathing when she felt cornered by an expectation. These weren't the calculated moves of a manipulative child – they were the panic responses of a nervous system in overdrive.

Dr. Ross Greene's words became my mantra: "Kids do well if they can." My daughter wasn't choosing to be difficult – why would she? No child wants to start every day with tears and meltdowns. She physically couldn't meet the demands I was placing on her in those moments. Understanding this changed everything for me.

How I Started Responding Differently

Once I realized I needed to trust my gut over the well-meaning but misguided advice I kept receiving, I developed some strategies for handling these painful interactions. Let me share what's worked for me – not as prescriptions, but as possibilities that might help you too.

I Started Collecting Evidence That Validated My Approach

I became a detective in my own home, carefully noting what triggered my daughter's anxiety and what helped ease it. I documented specific instances: "When I said, 'Put on your shoes now or we'll be late,' result was a 45-minute meltdown. When I said, 'I wonder which shoes would be best for the muddy playground?' shoes were on within 2 minutes with no distress."

This documentation became my shield against doubt – both from others and from myself. When that voice in my head (which sounded suspiciously like my daughter's previous therapist) would say "you're being too soft," I could look at my notes and see concrete evidence that my "softer" approach was actually more effective.

I Found My People

Oh, how this changed everything. Finding other parents who understood PDA was like finding water in a desert. My first PDA parent support group meeting, I cried through the entire thing because for the first time, I was with people who didn't think I was crazy or making excuses. They nodded in understanding when I described situations that would sound bizarre to others.

One mom there told me, "I used to think I was a terrible parent. Now I know I'm actually a pretty amazing parent because I've figured out how to help a child whose needs don't match what all the parenting books say." That perspective shift was revolutionary for me.

I Prepared My Heart and My Words

I started preparing myself emotionally before appointments with professionals. I'd remind myself: "I know my child best. Their opinion is just one data point. I am the expert on my unique child."

I also crafted simple explanations I could use when faced with unhelpful advice: "My child has a profile called Pathological Demand Avoidance. It's related to autism but with some key differences. The main feature is extreme anxiety triggered by demands, even simple ones. Traditional parenting approaches that rely on consequences actually increase that anxiety and make things worse. I'm following approaches recommended specifically for PDA, which focus on reducing anxiety first."

Having this ready helped me stay calm when I might otherwise have become defensive or emotional. And occasionally – wonderfully – it's opened the door to professionals being willing to learn something new.

I Started Being Picky About Professionals

This was hard for me because I was raised to respect authority and expertise. But I've learned that not all expertise is relevant to my child's specific needs, especially when navigating PDA misconceptions. Now I interview professionals before committing to work with them. I ask direct questions like:

"Are you familiar with Pathological Demand Avoidance?" "What's your approach when traditional behavioral strategies increase a child's anxiety instead of improving behavior?" "How do you feel about collaborative problem-solving versus compliance-based approaches?"

Their answers tell me everything I need to know about whether they'll be helpful or harmful for my family. And I'm no longer afraid to walk away if they don't get it. That confidence took time to develop, but it's been life-changing.

I Practice Self-Compassion (Still Working on This One!)

This might be the hardest part, but it's so important. The voice in my head that criticizes my parenting is loud some days. When those thoughts come, I try to talk to myself the way I'd talk to another PDA parent: with kindness, understanding, and recognition of how hard this journey is.

Some days I manage this better than others. On the hard days, I remind myself that perfect parenting isn't the goal. Connecting with my child, helping her feel safe, and preserving our relationship through challenges – that's what really matters. As Dr. Becky says, "The goal isn't to get it right 100% of the time. It's to repair when things go wrong and keep showing up with love."

What I Say When They Say I'm Not Parenting Hard Enough

Over the years, I've developed some responses to the most common criticisms. Feel free to borrow these if they resonate:

When someone says, "She's manipulating you," I calmly reply: "What looks like manipulation is actually anxiety management. Research on PDA shows that these children aren't being calculated; they're in fight-or-flight mode trying to cope with overwhelming anxiety. I used to think it was manipulation too, but I've learned it's much more complex than that."

When they insist, "You need to be more consistent with consequences," I explain: "I am being consistent – consistently responsive to her anxiety levels. Traditional consequence systems actually trigger her nervous system in ways that make learning impossible. I've documented what happens with both approaches, and I'm following what actually works for my unique child."

When they say, "All children need firm boundaries," I agree: "Absolutely! But with PDA, it's about how those boundaries are presented. Direct demands trigger anxiety, so I present boundaries indirectly and collaboratively. The boundaries still exist – they're just implemented in a way that her nervous system can process."

These responses aren't always met with understanding, but they help me feel grounded in my approach. And occasionally, they've opened the door to more productive conversations.

When Nothing Gets Through to Them

There are still times when, despite my best efforts to explain, some professionals remain dismissive of PDA or insistent that traditional approaches are the only way. In those moments, I've had to make hard choices about continuing with certain providers.

I remember the day I decided not to return to a particular therapist who kept insisting we implement a strict token economy system, despite seeing my daughter's escalating distress. I felt guilty, like I was giving up on "proper treatment." But as the weeks passed after making that decision, I watched my daughter's anxiety decrease. Her meltdowns became less frequent. She started enjoying activities again instead of being in a constant state of dread about earning or losing tokens.

That experience taught me an important lesson: Sometimes the most helpful thing a professional can do for your family is to stop seeing you. Not every approach works for every child, and that's okay. It doesn't mean the professional is bad at their job or that your child is untreatable – it just means there's a mismatch that isn't serving anyone well.

Finding the Joy Again

The weight of constantly defending your parenting approach can steal the joy from parenthood. I remember realizing one day that I couldn't remember the last time I'd just enjoyed being with my daughter without analyzing her behavior or preparing for the next challenge.

That was my wake-up call to reclaim some of that joy. Now I intentionally create "pressure-free zones" in our relationship – times when there are no demands, no therapeutic agenda, just connection. Sometimes that's cuddling while watching her favorite show, or letting her lead me into her imaginative worlds, or just sitting together looking at the stars.

These moments remind me of who my daughter really is beneath the anxiety and demand avoidance: creative, hilarious, insightful, and loving. They fuel me for the harder parts of our journey together.

The more I've learned to work with her PDA rather than against it, the more of these joyful moments we've discovered. Yes, we still have hard days – sometimes really hard days. But they no longer define our relationship.

Trusting Your Gut When Everyone Says You're Wrong

It takes enormous courage to trust yourself when multiple voices are telling you you're wrong. There were days I didn't have that courage, when I tried to implement the stricter approaches others recommended despite my misgivings. Each of those experiments reinforced what my heart already knew: my child needed something different.

You aren't "parenting soft" when you accommodate your child's PDA. You're parenting smart. You're parenting with hard-earned wisdom and insight. You're parenting based on who your child actually is, not who others think they should be.

This isn't the parenting journey I imagined – it's harder in some ways, but also richer and more profound than I could have anticipated. I've had to become an amateur neurologist, researcher, advocate, and detective. I've cried more tears than I thought possible. But I've also experienced moments of connection and breakthrough that take my breath away.

You Are Not Alone

If you're in the thick of it right now – doubting yourself, feeling judged by professionals who don't understand PDA, exhausted from trying to explain your child's needs to a world that wants simple answers – please know that so many of us have been where you are. The path forward exists, even if you can't see it clearly yet.

When I was at my lowest point, feeling like I was failing my child and believing maybe everyone else was right about my parenting, a book found its way into my hands that changed everything. It validated what I was experiencing, explained the neuroscience behind my daughter's behaviors, and offered practical strategies that actually worked for our family.

That's why I'm so passionate about sharing resources that truly understand PDA.

My book, "A Practical Parent's Guide to PDA and Autism," was born from exactly these experiences – the frustration of being misunderstood, the pain of watching your child struggle, and the determination to find approaches that actually help rather than harm.

Unlike many parenting resources that focus on compliance through consequences, our book offers practical, compassionate strategies based on both research and real-life parenting experience. It provides validation for the challenges you're facing, an explanation for why traditional approaches often backfire with PDA children, and specific techniques to reduce anxiety while still helping your child develop essential life skills.

Parents often tell us that finding this resource was the turning point in their journey – the moment when they finally felt understood and equipped with approaches that matched their child's actual needs rather than neurotypical expectations.

From one PDA parent to another – you've got this.

On the days when you don't feel like you've got this, we're here to hold hope for you until you find it again. Your child is lucky to have someone who fights for their needs as fiercely as you do, even when it means swimming against the current of conventional wisdom.

Next Steps

Parenting a child with autism and PDA is both challenging and rewarding. If you're looking for more practical strategies and insights, I've compiled extensive research and personal experience in my book, "A Practical Parent's Guide to PDA and Autism."  This resource provides concrete approaches tailored specifically to parents and caregivers of children who experience both autism and PDA.

As a parent juggling therapy appointments, IEP meetings, and the daily challenges of raising a child with PDA, I know you barely have time to sit down, let alone read a book. That's exactly why I've made "A Practical Parent's Guide to PDA and Autism" available as an audiobook you can listen to during school drop-offs, while making dinner, or during those precious few minutes alone in the car. Transform your "lost time" into learning time by grabbing the audiobook here: US, UK, Australia, Canada, France, and Germany.

For more resources and support, visit our website at practicalparentsguide.com. There, you'll find articles, forums, and additional resources to help you navigate the unique challenges and joys of parenting a child with PDA and autism.

Your Turn

Has your child developed intense attachments to specific people? How have you navigated these powerful connections in your family? What strategies have helped your child manage separation from their "favorite person"? I'd love to hear your experiences in the comments below!

References

1. Christie, P., Duncan, M., Fidler, R., & Healy, Z. (2012). Understanding pathological demand avoidance syndrome in children: A guide for parents, teachers and other professionals. Jessica Kingsley Publishers.

2. Gallagher, S., Phillips, A. C., Oliver, C., & Carroll, D. (2020). Predictors of psychological morbidity in parents of children with intellectual disabilities. Journal of Pediatric Psychology, 33(10), 1129-1136.

3. Green, J., Absoud, M., Grahame, V., Malik, O., Simonoff, E., Le Couteur, A., & Baird, G. (2018). Pathological Demand Avoidance: symptoms but not a syndrome. The Lancet Child & Adolescent Health, 2(6), 455-464.

4. O'Nions, E., & Noens, I. (2018). Commentary: Conceptualising demand avoidance in an ASD context – a response to Osman Malik & Gillian Baird (2018). Child and Adolescent Mental Health, 23(4), 389-390.

5. O'Nions, E., Viding, E., Greven, C. U., Ronald, A., & Happé, F. (2014). Pathological demand avoidance: Exploring the behavioural profile. Autism, 18(5), 538-544.

6. Stuart, L., Grahame, V., Honey, E., & Freeston, M. (2020). Intolerance of uncertainty and anxiety as explanatory frameworks for extreme demand avoidance in children and adolescents. Child and Adolescent Mental Health, 25(2), 59-67.