When Your Child with PDA Always Has to Win, Be First, and Impulsively Behave

The Deep Need for Control: Navigating Competition and Impulsivity in PDA

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Have you ever found yourself in the middle of a meltdown because your child didn't get to be first in line? Or perhaps you've experienced the aftermath of an impulsive decision that seemed to come out of nowhere? If you're nodding your head, you're not alone. As a parent of a daughter with Pathological Demand Avoidance (PDA), also known through a more favorable lens as Persistent Drive for Autonomy, I've been there more times than I can count.

Just last week, my daughter had a playdate that turned into tears because she didn't win at Candy Land. It wasn't just disappointment—it was as if her entire world had shattered. For children with PDA and autism, these aren't simply cases of poor sportsmanship or lack of impulse control. There's so much more happening beneath the surface.

The Need for Control in a World That Feels Chaotic

Children with PDA and autism often experience the world differently than neurotypical children. What might seem like a simple board game to us represents an opportunity for much-needed control for them. When a child with PDA always has to win, be first, and impulsively behave, they're actually trying to create predictability in a world that often feels overwhelming and unpredictable.

Dr. Ruth Anan, a clinical psychologist specializing in neurodevelopmental disorders, explains that "for children with PDA, maintaining autonomy isn't just a preference—it's a psychological necessity." This drive for control manifests in various ways, including the need to win at all costs, be first in line, or make impulsive decisions without seeming to consider consequences.

The Anxiety Connection and Why Your Child with PDA Always Has to Win, Be First, and Impulsively Behave

Behind many of these behaviors is anxiety, often intense and overwhelming anxiety that many of us parents can't fully comprehend. According to research by the PDA Society, up to 84% of individuals with PDA experience anxiety at clinical levels. This anxiety creates a desperate need for control, which can manifest as competitiveness, impulsivity, and inflexibility.

My daughter's occupational therapist once told me something that completely changed my perspective: "When your daughter insists on going first, she's not being deliberately difficult—she's trying to reduce her anxiety by making her environment more predictable."

Common Scenarios Parents Face

The Board Game Battleground

Many parents of children with PDA and autism find that board games can quickly become battlegrounds. A friend's son once flipped an entire Monopoly board when his sister bought the property he wanted. These reactions might seem extreme, but they make sense when we understand that losing a game isn't just about the game—it's about losing control.

The Line Leader Meltdown

I'll never forget the day my daughter refused to enter her classroom because another child had been chosen as line leader. What seemed like a minor disappointment to me was actually a significant threat to her sense of control and predictability.

The Impulsive Decision

Children with PDA often make impulsive decisions that leave parents scratching their heads. Whether it's suddenly deciding to cut their own hair or giving away a prized possession, these behaviors often stem from a need to assert control over their environment or from difficulty processing emotions in the moment.

Understanding the Neurology Behind the Behavior

It helps to understand that these behaviors aren't just behavioral choices—they're rooted in neurology. Research published in the Journal of Autism and Developmental Disorders suggests that children with PDA and autism may have differences in their prefrontal cortex development, which affects executive functioning skills like impulse control, emotional regulation, and flexibility.

Dr. Phil Christie, a leading expert on PDA, notes that "these children have genuine difficulty with the neurological mechanisms that support flexible thinking and emotional regulation." Understanding this biological basis can help us respond with compassion rather than frustration.

Strategies That Actually Work

So what can we do as parents when faced with these challenging behaviors? Here are some approaches that have worked for our family and many others:

1. Collaborate Rather Than Control

Traditional parenting approaches that rely on authority and consequences often backfire with children who have PDA and autism. Instead, try collaborative problem-solving.

When my daughter struggles with not being first, we might say, "I see you really want to go first today. How about we take turns choosing who goes first?" This approach acknowledges her need for control while gently introducing flexibility.

2. Prepare for Potential Triggers

Anticipating situations that might trigger the need to win or be first can help you prepare both yourself and your child.

Before a board game, we now have a brief chat about how everyone gets turns to win and lose. We might say, "Remember, games are for fun, and sometimes we win, and sometimes we don't. What could we do if we don't win this time?"

3. Offer Controlled Choices

For children with a persistent drive for autonomy, having choices is essential. But too many options can be overwhelming.

Instead of asking, "What do you want to do today?" (which is too open-ended), try "Would you like to go to the park first or have lunch first?" This gives your child control while keeping the situation manageable.

4. Create Win-Win Scenarios

Find ways to let your child experience "winning" without it being at someone else's expense.

My daughter loves to race, but losing is extremely difficult for her. We've created games where she races against a timer rather than against another person, giving her the thrill of competition without the devastation of losing to someone else.

5. Recognize and Validate Emotions

When my daughter is disappointed about not being first or not winning, acknowledging her feelings makes a world of difference.

"You're really disappointed that you didn't win. That feels really hard," can go much further than, "It's just a game, don't be upset." Validation doesn't mean you approve of any subsequent inappropriate behavior, but it does show your child that you understand their emotional experience.

When Impulsivity Is Dangerous

Sometimes, impulsive behavior can create safety concerns. A child might dart into traffic or climb to dangerous heights without recognizing the risk. In these situations, safety must come first.

Dr. Becky Kennedy, founder of Good Inside, suggests creating "yes spaces" where children can exercise their autonomy safely. This might be a room or area where they can make choices freely without risk of harm.

For more persistent safety issues, working with an occupational therapist who understands sensory processing and PDA can be invaluable. They can help develop strategies tailored to your child's specific needs.

The Importance of Self-Regulation Skills

One of the most valuable things we can do for our children with PDA and autism is to help them develop self-regulation skills—the ability to manage their emotions and behaviors in different situations.

This isn't about forcing compliance; it's about giving them tools to navigate a world that often feels overwhelming. Simple techniques like deep breathing, counting to ten, or using a feelings chart can help children begin to recognize and manage their emotions before they escalate.

My daughter now uses a special "calm down corner" in our home when she feels her emotions getting too big. Having this dedicated space has reduced many potential meltdowns over not being first or not winning.

Taking Care of Yourself

Parenting a child who needs to win, be first, and sometimes behaves impulsively can be emotionally exhausting. The constant vigilance and need to approach situations differently than most parenting advice suggests can leave you feeling drained and isolated.

Remember that taking care of yourself isn't selfish—it's necessary. You can't pour from an empty cup. Even small moments of self-care can make a difference in your resilience and patience.

I've found that connecting with other parents who understand these unique challenges has been life-changing. Whether through online forums, local support groups, or books written by parents who've walked this path, knowing you're not alone can provide both practical strategies and emotional support.

A New Perspective

Rather than viewing your child's need to win or be first as a behavioral problem, try seeing it as valuable information about how they experience the world. These behaviors tell us that our child is struggling with anxiety, needs more predictability, or is having difficulty with emotional regulation.

When we change our perspective from "Why is my child being difficult?" to "What is my child trying to tell me with this behavior?" our approach naturally becomes more compassionate and effective.

Next Steps

If you're parenting a child with PDA and autism who struggles with these behaviors, know that there are resources available to help. Our book, "A Practical Parent's Guide to PDA and Autism," dives deeper into these challenges and offers practical, compassionate strategies based on both professional expertise and real-life parenting experience.

As a parent juggling therapy appointments, IEP meetings, and the daily challenges of raising a child with PDA, I know you barely have time to sit down, let alone read a book. That's exactly why I've made "A Practical Parent's Guide to PDA and Autism" available as an audiobook you can listen to during school drop-offs, while making dinner, or during those precious few minutes alone in the car. Transform your "lost time" into learning time by grabbing the audiobook here: US, UK, Australia, Canada, France, and Germany.

For more resources and support, visit our website at practicalparentsguide.com. There, you'll find articles, forums, and additional resources to help you navigate the unique challenges and joys of parenting a child with PDA and autism.

Remember, you're not just managing difficult behaviors—you're helping your child develop the skills they need to navigate a world that isn't always designed for the way their brain works. And that's one of the most important jobs in the world.

Your Turn

Have you found any particular strategies that help when your child needs to win or be first? What situations seem to trigger the most intense reactions in your child, and how do you navigate them? I'd love to hear your experiences in the comments below.

References

1. Christie, P., Duncan, M., Fidler, R., & Healy, Z. (2012). Understanding Pathological Demand Avoidance Syndrome in Children: A Guide for Parents, Teachers and Other Professionals. Jessica Kingsley Publishers.

2. Kennedy, R. (2022). Good Inside: A Guide to Becoming the Parent You Want to Be. Harper Collins.

3. O'Nions, E., Viding, E., Greven, C. U., Ronald, A., & Happé, F. (2014). Pathological demand avoidance: Exploring the behavioural profile. Autism, 18(5), 538-544.

4. PDA Society. (2023). Understanding PDA In Children. Retrieved from pdasociety.org.uk

5. Sanchez, M. (2023). Anxiety and its Role in Pathological Demand Avoidance. Journal of Autism and Developmental Disorders, 53(2), 112-118.